Disclaimer: If you've seen them on TV they belong to Haim Saban. If not, they belong to me. I also claim the Defender powers.
Author's note: This is from Alexis' point of view.
Song note: The song in the fic is an old spiritual song called Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child by Harry Thacker Burleigh. This song was featured quite a bit in the Sunset Island Series by Cherie Bennett.
Suggested reading: Defenders and Protectors of Space are a must read.
Time frame: A missing scene from Holiday Miracles.

Second Thoughts
By Dana

I sat there letting Roland hug me. I was afraid of the decision I made. Had I made the wise choice of going back? Am I a cat with nine lives? No I have more then nine lives. Ever since I was thirteen I have felt like the weight of the universe was on my shoulders. But then again, I'm a Power Ranger so it has to be right? All Rangers and Defenders feel this way right?

I still feel like I'm just a kid. My body never matured. I may look twenty-two but I don't have a twenty-two year old body. How could I ever explain to Roland, that I could never have kids without telling him that I'm somewhat immortal? He'll flip out and hate me. I'll be left alone to deal with this.

If Dark Spectre ever found out, he would use me someway to get an upper hand. I would be used again to destroy my friends. Working with Astronema wasn't my idea of fun. I don't even know what happened the last time. All I know is I was evil for two years. I don't want to go through that again.

It's why I keep it a secret even from my boyfriend. I don't think he suspects anything. He hugs me again and tells me not to move. He ran into the other room to tell everyone. My friends soon surrounded me. Jimanya came in and instructed everyone should leave and let Andros and I rest. I was relieved aside from the fact that I was tired. I needed time to think. I started to think about what happened when I went back up to the Talorn after Antiqua brought me back.

I teleported back onto the ship exhausted. I didn't know what I was going to do. I'm only thirteen. This wasn't a situation I pictured myself to be in at this age. the others were waiting for me.

"There you are Alexis!" Zhane said. "I thought we'd have to go searching for you."

Roland was the first one to detect something different. "Lex are you okay?" He asked.

"Fine just tired. Been a long day." I said truthfully. "Was walking around KO-35 and barely missed being shot." I lied. I wasn't ready to tell them what had happened to me. I was afraid for all of us.

"Well unless Astronema's planning another attack I think we can all call it a night." Zhane said.

I followed Dallas into our room feeling as if I was going to burst into tears at any moment. I collapsed onto my bed and sobbed. Dallas thought I was mourning the loss of the people on our planet. I was mourning my own loss. I'm too young for this! That night I took my diary out and wrote a passage that I know almost by heart.

Even from the infirmary, I could hear Sora's CD player going. She was trying to keep it down but it flowed in here. It was a very beautiful song.

Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child
A Long Way From Home
True Believer
A Long Way From Home

Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child

Didn't I feel like a motherless child sometimes? I was though. my mother died when I was ten and I was a very long way from home. But I think the word true believer really struck out.

Sometimes I wish I could fly,
Like a bird up in the sky
Sometimes I wish I could fly,
Like a bird in the sky
Little closer to home

I want to fly away from all of this but I can't. I wish I were a bird. I don't want to leave everyone that's why I chose to go back. But if I was a bird, no one could get me. I'd fly away from them back home.

Motherless children
Have a real hard time
Motherless children
Have a such a real hard time
So long so long so long

Wasn't that the truth though? Didn't my brother Jay and I have a hard time after losing our parents? He was seventeen but he didn't hide the tears. I remember when the full invasion started Jay told me he was coming to visit me and was bringing someone. I know he's dead. But maybe he's alive just like Dallas's family. Roland and Zhane have lost their parents too and Tommy's told me he was adopted. Maybe it was true that motherless children have a hard time. I have a hard time dealing with things.

Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child
So far away

That's exactly how I felt. I saw Andros looking over at me. I hadn't even realized I was crying. I saw tears in his own eyes. The song must have touched him too. His mother is evil guess that's almost the same thing.

Sometimes I feel
Like freedom is near
Sometimes I feel
Like freedom is near
But we're so far away

Sometimes I feel
Like it's close at hand
Sometimes I feel
Like the freedom is near
But we're so far from home

That's exactly it. Freedom felt like it was beyond my reach. Any time I felt like something was going right the dark forces were there to stop it. First, they ended my life. Then they kidnap Roland then me. I know everyone wants freedom, but can we really achieve it? is the price too much if we can't?

Sometimes, sometimes,
Sometimes
So far, so far, so far,
So far Mama from you, so far

I closed my eyes trying to remember what my mother looked like the very last time I had seen her. She was always so full of life. She was always there for Jay and myself and then one day she and my father were killed but unlike myself they weren't given the chance to live again.

If I ever get in the position to decide to live or not will, I make the same decision again.

The end